By INDIA KRUG & ASHLEE GRAHAM

Burger King

Ashlee:  Have you ever tried the cheesy mashed potatoes tots? McDonald’s could never. The variety is untouchable by any other fast food chain, period. Sure, the interior isn’t the most appealing, but it’s the best drive-through spot you could ask for. Let’s not even start on their milkshakes. Lucky Charms mixed up as a drink is pure genius. End of discussion.

India: Listen, Burger King is the ugly stepsister of McDonalds. If I want to clog my arteries I’m at least going to do it in style.  On the unfortunate day I happened to step inside one– which was not by choice–I ate breakfast with Amelia Kuzneski and Nathan Birch.  We were on our way to Disneyworld for a band trip and following our meal was twelve hours on a bus. It was the worst I have possibly ever felt in my life.  Even the company couldn’t make up for the rock I had in my stomach. Their decorations, I might add, did not lighten my mood– enlarged pictures of meat and cheese make me uncomfortable.

Birds

Ashlee: Birds have to be one of the coolest animals on the planet. Penguins are hands down the coolest: they’re cute, chubby, and can’t fly. They’re like the mood of birds. I think it’s pretty sweet that owls can turn their heads the whole way around. It’s not like I can turn my head the whole way around.

India: I don’t even know why I have to make an argument here– no, I do not like rats with wings. I think that’s a totally normal opinion.  Name one good thing about birds. They scream at you and poop. They make terrible pets– don’t even think about holding one if you don’t want to get bitten and develop some sort of bird flu.  And parrots? Marriage ruiners. You couldn’t have any secrets if you lived in a house with a parrot– you’d never know if it would narc.

Basket Raffles

Ashlee: There are at least 50 other people who have entered for this particular basket, and I am positive that I’ll win. Basket raffles are the epitome of guilt tripping parents into spending money at their kid’s sporting event to give money to the organization. And of course I need another fleece blanket with the Indian’s logo on it, I only have 4. Spending $15 on the tickets for the raffle to win a $10 gift card is worth it to me, you’re paying for the thrill of winning.

India:  I have to go out and find a beach ball and mini drink umbrellas for your Hawaiian-themed basket, Karen? I think not.  Basket raffles are the most counterproductive fundraiser possibly ever. Bake some cookies and be done with it. I even feel bad for the people who win the baskets. Here, enjoy these seven loosely related items that will sit in your closet until the end of time! People are basically spending money on a future Goodwill donation.

Birthday Cake

Ashlee: It’s your special day, everyone knows that birthday calories don’t count. The icing tastes like pure sugar, but that’s the whole point. What would be the alternative, carrots and celery sticks? With a side of ranch, but only if we’re lucky? I don’t think so. Bring on the carbs, you only get this birthday once. Bonus: It only gets better when paired with pizza.

India:  I do like Birthday Cake– until I eat more than two bites of it.  You basically have to cancel your plans for the rest of the day just to digest it.  It doesn’t matter what size my slice is, I can never finish. And icing? Mechanism for instant puke.  Who had the idea to make the richest, fattiest food a popular choice for kids’ birthday parties? Kids are already more vomit-prone than everyone else– it’s a disaster waiting to happen.